Memphis Flyer “Editor” Bruce VanWyngarden Announces New, Limited “Balanced Journalism Experiment” And Hiring Of Flyer’s First Human Community Liaison

In Memphis Flyer on May 17, 2009 at 5:28 pm
Under pressure from long-ignored pro-balanced journalism advocates, “Editor” VanWyngarden (aka VanWindbag) today announced the hiring of a new community liaison. Joining the staff part-time–and working remotely from rural Colorado–will be Edward Little Hat, also known as the Truth Whisperer.
Little Hat’s job will be to survey the concerns of normal citizens, and report back to VanWindBag semi-annually via carrier pigeon. “What he does with that information is then up to him,” says Little Hat, who will be paid the same as any Memphis Flyer writer–in Peyote.
VanWindBag has referred to the initiative as, “my begrudging little experiment” designed to give non-liberals a “far forward, non-saleable page corner they can sort of call their own.”

VanWindBag also touted the 50% increase in type size of “that balanced journalism page corner” from 2 points to 3, although critics point out that he simultaneously changed the font to reverse Cyrillic. “Look,” VanWindBag countered. “We’re not a scale manufacturer. Why are those troublemakers always demanding balance from us?”


Fearing The Next Full Moon, Memphis Flyer Editor Bruce VanWyngarden Wants To Regulate The Entire Population In Order To Regulate Himself

In Memphis Flyer on May 17, 2009 at 6:04 am


VanWyngarden (aka VanWindBag), an admitted gun owner, apparently fears what might happen if he is allowed (only after a thorough background check and issuance of a permit) to carry a handgun into bars and restaurants. His paranoia has been attributed to a law now being considered by elected officials who were, in turn, chosen by the majority of Tennessee voters, but who–through some oversight–were never subsequently confirmed by VanWindBag.

VanWindBag wants all good citizens prohibited from carrying protection into these establishments. Of course, this wouldn’t apply to criminals, since they aren’t restricted by the laws their victims must follow–sometimes to the bitter, pavement-cradling end.

Rather than simply chaining himself to an oak waterwheel during the occasional full moon, VanWindBag wants to burden all non-werewolves with his innermost fear (ok, the mere inconvenience) of going ballistic on any conservative who should happen to bring him the wrong appetizer, or worse–use the Lord’s name in vain or at all.

To appease VanWindBag at lesser public cost, it has been proposed that the State of Tennessee simply allocate the necessary funding to implement a statewide moonlight elimination program. In the interim, it is hoped VanWindBag can simply be relocated to a new cave with a non-moon-facing view.

Bruce VanWyngarden Receives Hero’s Welcome Mat, 300 Pounds Of Squid Upon Return From West Memphis, Arkansas

In Memphis Flyer on May 17, 2009 at 2:54 am

VanWyngarden-enrouteBruce VanWyngarden (aka Bruce VanWindbag), Memphis Flyer Editor/Censor and big game hunter (conservatives, both in and out-of-season), completed his historic maiden voyage to West Memphis, Arkansas on Saturday. It wasn’t the voyage itself, but the fact that he appeared in public during broad daylight that was deemed historic. As one observer noted, “I was the only observer. Who’s the old goat, anyway?”

VanWindbag is pictured above at midpoint in the Mississippi river between Tennessee and Arkansas (in the photograph, his otherwise prominent blowhole is actually obscured by flatulence).

Apparently, VanWindbag has been training for this voyage in secrecy for some time, working up to the point where he could go it alone without the customary assistance of his ever-present marine biologists. The “cover” story was that he was to attend the “basketball game” of his “12-year-old,” which seems less plausible than what some speculate was really a “Tax the Bible Rally” in a converted cornbread factory.

(Thanks to our Blowhard Bureau for working overtime on this non-story.)